apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
