can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
