Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i barfeds in our rink
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
