haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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