I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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