Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
