She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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