I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
