just tell him i said nine months
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
