I want to have your abortion
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
