I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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