maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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