i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
