Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
