A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
