Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
