could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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