Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
