Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
