so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
