thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
