Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I will be naked everywhere
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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