I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
