That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
