You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
