This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
