Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize