Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
