Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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