Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
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