The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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