saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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