gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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