The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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