He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
