I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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