You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize