Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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