You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
