You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
