Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
