If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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