I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We left the knife in your bed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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