Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
