Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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