I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
