I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
