im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
