I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
