Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
