i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
