Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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