i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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