At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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