Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
