isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
