Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
