I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
People in love make me want to vomit
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
