Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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