I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sext me about skeletons
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
