new low.... made out with someone while peeing
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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